Sunday, September 30, 2012

5 Myths of Public Restrooms

Women, we do some ridiculous things in public restrooms. Not kinky things. For goodness sakes, get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about the stupid social "rules" we have developed that make no sense; the myths of public restrooms.

1. The Myth of the Peeper - First, let's agree that the goal of 99.99% of public restroom visitors just want to do their business and move on. So knowing that, why is it that we women spend so much effort barricading ourselves in the stall. We ask friends to hold the door and fret if the door isn't firmly fastened. Why? As long as the door is closed, no one wants to barge in on you any more than you want to do that to someone else. Has ANYONE in the history of public restrooms ever been victimized by a female peeper who burst open unlatched restroom doors? No!

2. Stick Man Myth - A few years ago I worked at a hospital. In newer parts of the hospital, it was common to find side-by-side restrooms that were unisex. One person at a time could use them (the doors locked, don't worry!). So I often saw a man walk up try the handle, the door was locked, so he would wait. If a woman walked out, no biggie since this was a unisex restroom, right. The sign SAID SO. In other parts of the hospital there were side-by-side bathrooms with the exact same configuration and plumbing EXCEPT that one was marked WOMEN and one was marked MEN. So even though you could go inside and lock the door, just like the other bathrooms, women would stand in line outside the one marked women, leaving the one next to it marked men sitting empty. I would regularly use either one that was open (LIKE IN OTHER PARTS OF THE HOSPITAL WITH DIFFERENT SIGNS) and would see women looking horrified so see me coming out of the one marked men. Are you following me here? Do you see how stupid this is?

3. Myth of the Tinkle Fairy - Are you a woman who hovers? Well, I hate you. You have decided that the risk the plastic seat MAY have germs your flabby ass can't touch (even though your cell phone and purse are probably more germy), is more important than MY flabby ass splashing down in your actual disease-carrying urine. Thanks a lot.

4. Mythical Beauty Salon - You're so vain, you probably think this myth is about you... Public restrooms are a place for minor grooming only. Fingers through the hair, update of lipstick, even a quick comb and powder are OK. But last week I saw a woman in the public restroom at the AIRPORT operating a flat iron. NO! That is not what you should be doing in a public restroom. Unless she was headed straight to the set of Oprah, there's no need for that level of primping.

5.  Myth of the Silent Flush - Dear ladies who talk on the cell phone while using the um... facilities, people on the phone can hear you flush. THEY CAN HEAR ALL THE FLUSHING. I was once on a corporate conference call with 20+ people and in the middle of the conversation, heard a toilet flush clear as a bell. Don't talk on the phone in any sort of restroom but definitely not the public restroom.  Unless you are helping your best friend through her contractions, just about every other conversation can wait.

If you are a lady who still suffers from public restroom confusion, give me a call. I'll be barricaded in the men's room, hovering over the seat and curling my hair.

1 comment:

  1. Preach it, sister. (Although can I add that I don't like it when other women don't follow the every-other guideline? If there is an entire bank of empty stalls, please don't select the one right next to me. You should respect the Buffer Stall Rule.)


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