As (not) Seen on TV

Ladies, have I got a deal for you today. For just nothing, plus the cost of shipping and handling, I will share with you my revolutionary new method for keeping track of your husband at all times.

Yes, you won't have wonder any longer if you husband is home in the house or outside drowning in the pig manure lagoon. You won't have to stop cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, or feeding the mousetraps to know that your loved one has made it inside, surviving another day of potentially fatal farm work.

And my system is so simple and cost-effective, than anyone, even wives who have been trying to track their husbands for 50 years, can use it immediately.

Just listen to these testimonials:

Josie from Eaton - I NEVER knew when my George was back in the house. One night I even went out to look for him in the barnyard. I almost got bit by a raccoon. But after using the Desperate Farmwife Husband Tracking System, I can rest assured that it's George, not the dog, I hear snoring in the other room.

Brittany from New Lebanon - When Brian is outside working late, I never know when he gets back to the trailer. The other night I almost bonked him on the head with the Atari controller when he startled me. Thank you Desperate Farmwife for your easy to use method.

So how does the patented Desperate Farmwife Husband Tracking System work? Let's ask famed beauty and fictional farm wife, Eva Gabor. [applause]


Ms. Gabor, how has the Desperate Farmwife Husband Tracking System changed your life?


Well, my darling, I really couldn't live without it. I used it with all five of my husbands.

Thank you for sharing with us today, Ms. Gabor.

So let's get to it. My Desperate Farmwife Husband Tracking System is based on two basic proven scientific theories of manhood. First, a husband cannot be in a room with a television unless it is turned on. Second, a functioning TV will remain functioning long after the husband has left the room, until acted upon by the wife.

Let me now share a personal testimonial of how this method works in my own life. My husband is in and out several times every evening tending to his State Fair pigs. I find it difficult to track whether he's in or out of the house at a given moment.

So here's where my method comes into play. As soon as he leaves the house, I turn off all the televisions in the house. Shocking! But it works, so stay with me now. When he comes back in the house he turns the TV back on! So if I hear the television going, I know he's around.

The beauty of this system is that I can use it over and over again, multiple times a night and every evening, if need-be.

But what if I want to watch a TV myself? Then I use the same principle, except that instead of turning all the TVs off, I turn them to Little House reruns. When I hear Sports Center on one of them--then I've caught him again!

This system is so flexible, it can be used with teenagers and Antiques Roadshow, and Uncle Ned and The Suite Life.

So act now! If you call in the next 20 minutes, I'll throw in my patented "Is That Smell in the House or Comin' through the Window" detector.