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Your Duties There?

It's springtime on the farm. Time for pig sales, playing in puddles and for me to flex my vocal chords for another season of screaming at my kids: SHUT THE DOOR! SHUT THE DOOOOOOR!

I was thinking the other day that it would be easier if I just stationed myself by the door. And it made me remember my high school days as volunteer waitress at the annual springtime FFA banquet. In case you haven't had the opportunity to participate in a formal FFA opening ceremony, let me explain that it begins with each officer located in different places, with the vice president calling role. Each officer reports in that they are stationed by the door (sentinel), by the flag (reporter), by the ear of corn (secretary), etc. and the symbolic reasons why.

So with utmost respect for FFA traditions, let me adapt this meeting format for a new era in my life. At this time I would like to call to order the Desperate Farm Wives Club of America. Let us call the role:

Vice President: Playtime Mom
Playtime Mom: I am stationed by the door
Vice President: Your duties there?
Playtime Mom: Through this door pass many muddy boots, bugs and the occasional non-house-trained farm dog. It is my duty to stem the inbound flow of things that have been in the barn, plus ensure that all gathered flowering weeds are placed in crystal vases and boxed reptiles are released before dark.

Vice President: Mealtime Mom
Mealtime Mom: Stationed by the fridge
Vice President: Your duties there?
Mealtime Mom: The fridge is the symbol of healthy, well-planned family meals, which is why we keep one in the kitchen--to remind us of that unrealized ideal. I hand out popsicles, apply peanut butter to crackers and encourage the consumption of apple slices.

Vice President: Activities Mom
Activities Mom: Stationed by the mini-van
Vice President: Your duties there?
 Activities Mom: I transport the farmer's children to their many activities: baseball, ballet, swine boot camp, soccer, etc. The mini-van stays mud-splashed from pot-hole filled gravel farm lanes and smells like Tractor Supply, all in accordance with the by-laws of the Desperate Farm Wives Club of America.

Vice President: Madam President, all officers are at their appointed stations.

President: Where did all these kids come from? HEY, GET YOUR MUDDY BOOTS ON THE RUG! WATCH IT--you are dripping popsicle on your sister! I TOLD YOU not to leave your cleats in the barn!



  1. Was this a super-sized ear of corn statue, or an actual ear of corn sitting on a plate? I'm thinking sitting next to a blue-ribbon-award-winning pie would've made that position more desirable.


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