Saturday, January 14, 2012

20 Questions only a Farm Wife Would Ask

In my 15 years of farm wifehood (wifery?), I have said things that I never dreamed that I would, things like Why does this lettuce smell like pig semen?

In honor of all the farm wives out there, I have compiled a list of 20 real things I have asked Husband over the years. I must confess, some of these are sarcastic, some are rhetorical, some are exclamations but all are true.
  1. Why is there pig medicine next to the orange juice?
  2. Do you want these nails I just fished out of the dryer?
  3. What is that smell?
  4. Will you put that semen away before my sister's baby shower?
  5. Now that these jeans are ripped in both the crotch and the butt, can I throw them away?
  6. What is this stuff smeared on the flashlight?
  7. Why can't I ever find a hammer?
  8. Do you smell that?
  9. Will you get off your John Deere and mow the grass?
  10. Will you wash your hands before you stink up the baby's head again?
  11. Is that a pig tooth in your eyebrow?
  12. Why didn't you pay this much attention to me when I was about to give birth?
  13. For the love of GOD, don't you SMELL that?
  14. Why are you walking around the kitchen in those boots?
  15. What is that on your arm? Oh, my, it's all the way to the elbow.
  16. Don't you think we should get that nasty injury looked at by someone other than the veterinarian?
  17. Did you get the pigs/sheep/heifers/neighbors livestock back in the pen?
  18. Why is THAT in the house?
  19. How did THAT get out in the barn?
  20. Seriously, you spend all day wading around in shit, you're telling me you can't change that diaper?
Marriage, children, getting older are all full of surprises, what have you said to your spouse that you never thought you would?


  1. My husband and I have been married 9 years now and I always tell him that I don't remember anywhere in our vows that I would go out to the barn every winter and rub the cows backs as they are in labor and yet I do because he asks?!? (or I just feel bad for the cow who only gets a month or two off in between breeding!!)

  2. Andrea--I agree that farmers need some additional lines added to the standard wedding vows!

  3. Hi! Just found you and it's very nice to meet another Ohio gal. While the majority of weirdness is said to the kids a bit is said to my hubby. Thought I'd share a bit of our weird.

    1. No,Mamal does not want to see the chicken lungs when she gets here.
    2. I threw those jeans into the rag box BECAUSE they're NOT chaps!
    3. No you may not paint the chickens' nails.
    4. Who left the flashlight on? And, WHY is it under the coop?
    5. How did you get chicken poop on the bottom of your socks?
    6. How did you loose your rubbers?
    7. Did you get the chickens in the pen and out of the neighbors garage?
    8. Why is a chicken in the tub?
    9. No you may not give chicken hearts for Valentine's Day.
    10. Why are my BRAND NEW FLUFFY TOWELS being used on the CHICKENS?
    11. I don't care if it is the nail polish from Wild Oats.
    12. Why is the big pot in the coop?
    13. I said the chickens can't sleep with you.
    14. Yes Sunshine(3), the hens like giving the roosters piggy back rides.
    15. No you can't carry the chicks in your sling.
    16. Now do you understand that water is conductive? (electric fence+ hot summer+ wet kid= hands on lesson over electricity)
    17. NO you can't give the chickens fried chicken!
    18. I'm not holding your hand anymore if you keep touching the electric fence.
    19. No you won't die from getting chicken poop in your mouth.

    And, while I didn't say this...I think it deserves to be shared under weird sayings.

    20. Those cocks won't leave that pussy alone will they?
    This little gem was said by an elderly lady who watched the roosters chase our cat around the yard when her grandson? stopped to ask about a truck for sale. It was awesome! (And no...he didn't buy the truck...)


  4. Honey,

    Love your questions! I think our families could have one heck of a crazy, messy party together.

  5. I have been told that a pig farmer stinks so bad at the end of the day that his wife wants him to disrobe before coming into the house. Is that true?

    We have a laundry product used by hockey players,athlete`s, kennels and horse % pet owners that would solve that problem. It`s called Funk-Out. I would be happy to send free samples out to farm wives that want to try some. All I ask is that you tell me how it worked out for you.
    Vic Shanley
    check out funk-out at

  6. Holly
    Let me know how well the Funk-Out samples I sent you worked on your husbands smelly cloths. I have free samples for any other Hog Farm wives who want to try it our as well. my email address for free samples is
    Vic Shanley


Appointment Pooping

  NOTE: If you do not want to read about my healthy bowel movement, well too late you just did. I recently became you-better-get-a-colonosco...