Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Don't Look Ethel!
Like every spouse, I am certain that I have married into a family with strange and confounding habits. My family, of course, is perfect. But so you can decide for yourself, I have compiled a handy comparison of our two equally loving and perhaps equally weird family traits.
Meal Time
My family: We eat supper at 5:30, 6 if it's a special circumstance. You do the day's activities, stop and eat and then resume, as needed.
His family: The last meal of the day is eaten after all work is completed. If that's midnight, then you head to Waffle House.
Honking the Car Horn
My family interpretation: Hi, we see you out working in the lawn!
His family interpretation: Oh. My. Gosh. Livestock are on the rooo-THUMP-ooad
Cursing
Me at age 4 having difficulty in the bath: God-damned soap.
Him at age 35 getting bit by a pig: Oh, geeze-golly-darn that hurt.
Gift Buying
My family process: Shop year-round for the perfect gift.
His family process: Run out the night before the event and buy whatever you happen to see.
Vacationing
My family vacation growing up: Pack the motorhome with lunch meat and chips, head out to the lake for a weekend of skiing and sun-burning.
His family vacation growing up: Pig show in Des Moines
Cultural References
My parents exposed us to: The Big Chill soundtrack and song references like "I shot the Sheriff," "Don't rock the boat, baby" and "Indiana wants me, but I can't go back there"
His parents exposed him to: Black and white episodes of Andy Griffith.
How you know you've really joined the family
My family: You buy an RV and make homemade ice cream. Bonus points for making homemade ice cream while you are RV-ing.
His family: Your love for the OSU Buckeyes binds you to the team like Elliott and E.T., so that you turn ashen when things aren't going well, and your glowing heart can be seen through your chest when the team is winning. Bonus points for watching games in complete isolation so that no waitresses or noisy guests can come between you and your absolute focus on the team.
So my advice to newlyweds everywhere is to realize that just because your family keeps butter in the cupboard, and his family never washes their cars, you can develop new traditions together that meld the craziness that raised you.
And if they do something really weird, just do as my family always advised: Don't look Ethel!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
An Open Letter to my Weekend Houseguests
I have been working so hard to get ready for your visit. It’s always great to have company—to give you that kick in the pants you need to actually clean up that bad corner of the office, or change the sheets.
I’m not complaining at all, I am just writing to warn you that despite all my efforts, all my work to make this a guest haven supreme, I am being thwarted at every turn.
I bought some lovely flowers for the front porch. And then your niece decided to pick them for me. So now we can all enjoy our snack of popsicles on the front porch with the lovely view of Geranium stems.
I spent all weekend cleaning the carpets. And then your niece and nephew decided to make an afternoon of playing in the last mud puddle on the farm. So now we can retrace their muddy little steps across three rooms.
I got some great food and snacks for us to eat. And then your brother-in-law decided to get a head start on the festivities. So now we have to eat the little box of Honey Smacks instead of the Froot Loops and the Wavy Lays instead of Cool Ranch Doritos.
But good news. We have soap. We have every brand of hotel soap, shampoo, conditioner and lotion ever provided in a business class hotel. And none of that cheapo shampoo/conditioner stuff either. That stuff never comes home with me.
So just know that our house won’t be perfect. Our kitchen won’t be stocked. But we have a queen size futon that’s been slept on twice and a shower that’s been used once. And soap.
And the kids are so excited. They have been mapping out all the things they want to do with their cousins. Mainly eat popsicles and apply band-aids. But that should be fun.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Time has Come... to Talk of Many Things
"The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--Of cabbages--and kings--And why the sea is boiling hot--And whether pigs have wings."
Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872
Sharing my experiences straddling the sometimes equally stinky worlds of corporate America and farm life has been the primary goal of this site.
I have also enjoyed a forum to stretch my writing skills outside of Company X, a leader in global business solutions, today announced the launch of its innovative new product, designed to enhance seamless integration with the... blah, blah, blah.
So as I stand on the threshold of greatly broadening the reach of this site, I want to remind all you gentle readers of the rules I established for visitors to this blog.
And I thought this would be a great opportunity to share all the great writing that's already occurred over 30+ posts. Note: If you are so humorless as to be unable to translate a dissertation on my mother-in-law's Frigidaire into wow that chick can write. Then stop reading here.
My favorite posts:
- My first not-really-weekly PR Idea of the Week
- FAQ - no, my husband does not wear a straw hat
- A humble attempt to educate Friendly Suburban-Dwelling people
- Happy Poop Day - some posts just write themselves
- My personal Brady Bunch story
- The wildly popular Swine Lecture Series
- We interrupt all this pig stuff for a PR Bone(R)
- Funky on the farm
Thanks for visiting. You can learn more about me here.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
PR Idea of the Week
Remember when the worst thing that could happen to you on a school field trip was that your parents could chaperon and TOTALLY embarrass you by telling all your friends how you were such a chubby little baby. Or maybe they would do the unthinkable and become pals with the WORST teacher.
Today, you have to worry about some idiot classmate breaking rules, hurting themselves and then suing to bankrupt your family. Makes having all the cool girls hate you because your Mom busted them for having boys in the hotel room seem pretty lame, huh.
Why this matters to PR is that you can bet every education beat reporter in the country just added school volunteer liability to their list of issues to cover from a local angle.
And as predictable as the fact that there will always be idiot classmates, self-righteous school boards will falling all over themselves to see who can issue the most ridiculous knee-jerk policy in reaction to this verdict. And thus begins another round of media coverage bemoaning the fact that kids can't play tag or keep score at kickball or bring in a plastic knife to cut their apples.
Please, education PR people of the nation, stand up for common sense for a change. Tell the idiot parents that if their child misbehaves even ONCE during a major field trip--your school is going to sue them.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The BEST souvenir ever!
I know, you think, I bet she would LOVE a World Pork Expo thong.
Yes, some poor woman who helped her husband save the money to make the journey to Des Moines; some woman who stayed behind, put on her hip waders and hauled buckets of feed through muck; some poor, poor woman who JUST CAN'T GET THAT SMELL OUT OF HER HAIR.
That woman is going to greet her her man upon his return and receive a World Pork Expo thong.
It's a little known fact of farm life that animals know when their official farmer is out of town. It's why the cows only get out when the only people home are eight-months-pregnant me and my mother-in-law who bravely faces what she has determined is a snake-infested pasture (think Indiana Jones amount of snakes here) to save the farm and her unborn grandchild.
While the farmer is away the ancient sheep develop new wanderlust and the cows get struck by lightening (true story).
My point here is that the woman who stayed behind while husband went to the World Pork Expo didn't just manage the farm. She probably dealt with troubles never seen before on their acreage.
And her thanks for this, her token of gratitude for the sacrifices she made is a new yardstick picked up at the trade show and a World Pork Expo thong.
Now you know why I went along on the trip.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Fourth Best Pig Farmer in the Nation
In addition to winning shows with his prize Yorkshire gilt, he entered a number of pig-related contests during this event. It's like the pork decathlon but we call it a "sweepstakes." It's name suggests a game of chance but the sweepstakes results are based on a point system similar in its complexity to the one that the BCS uses to always put Notre Dame in a bowl game.
After doing well in multiple events all week, today Ryan was presented with a ribbon, plate and check for $100. [Total winnings: three ribbons, one banner, $250]
So tomorrow we leave town with the fourth best pig farmer in the country (under 8). I guess he'll let his father think he still runs things.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Bragging Rights
And brother Justin was happy to congratulate him.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
World Pork Expo
Whew, hog shows are a lot of work. First, you have to drive 10 hours in the truck while your sons play 10 episodes of Dirty Jobs and then watch the same Scooby Doo movie three times.
I guess this beats the road trips I used to have as a kid where the biggest diversion was playing, "YOU TOUCHED ME" with my two siblings and maybe, if we were lucky, getting a puff on the cigars Dad always seemed to smoke/need during these trips.
But we finally go there and then the real work began. First, you have to wash the pigs. This is kind of like washing a car. If your car was snorting at you and trying to escape
Second, we had to number the pigs. An important step where farmers follow each other through the barn waiting to get the next dibs on the metal numbers and John Deere paint used to mark each pig for easy identification during the show. My dear husband had more important work to do, so I had to trail along behind all the other farmers, trying to get our chance at the precious paint.
If women were running this, there would be about 40 sets of numbers and a sharing system in which we just passed the numbers and paint down from pen to pen. Also, there would be more color choices than JD green or yellow.
On to other "chores" which included cleaning up pig manure with this fancy little rake. Fortunately, farm kids are easily entertained, so this rake also became Justin's Bobcat, used for moving piles of sawdust bedding.
Justin and I took a little break to scope out the huge trade show and outdoor exhibits at this event. Just was very excited about this large tractor-like piece of equipment. The trade show featured every type of pig equipment imaginable and many more that none of us imagined. They had everything to house, feed and vaccinate pig from birth clear through to the day their ashes need returning to the dust.
FINALLY, we get to show the pigs. Ryan showed first against kids from all over the U.S. Todd shows later in the event against "professionals" from all over.
Showing a pig involves taking it within the barn to a fenced-in show ring where a judge hired by the event organizers decides which pigs he (or she) thinks are the best. In some cases they are looking for hogs that would be best to eat--nice muscling, low fat, etc. In other classes they are looking for the potential for the pig to make more pigs, looking for good quality underline (teats), good breed conformation (just like they do at the dog shows) and overall quality of muscling and genetic potential.
One shows a hog by tapping it with a wooden cane, piece of pipe or specially marketed pig whip (which is NOT like Indiana Jones). The idea is to guide the pig where you want it to walk. As you may have guessed, this does not always work.
After a long day of directing wayward hogs, and ensuring they are watered, washed and exhibited, all most of us want to do is take a rest.
Appointment Pooping
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