Sign of the Farmpocalypse

Every issue of Sports Illustrated has a brief quote titled Sign of the Apocalypse, a humorous but true sports news item that makes you wonder--have we gone too far? In that spirit, I present another installment of Sign of the Farmpocalypse, because I just can't make this stuff up.

Daddy pulled a lizard out of the pig, except it was long and skinny.
 
 - What Morgan said after she witnessed Husband collecting his boar.

Road Trip

Husband and the boys left this week for a farmer-son road trip to, where else, the World Pork Expo.

Really, I should just stop the post now. World Pork Expo seems to be a punchline in and of itself. But this is serious business--it's like Comdex for hog farmers. (Oh, sorry tech geeks, Comdexdoesn't exist anymore, does it?)

I attended last year's World Pork Expo, a very strategic move, it turns out, because I wouldn't have wanted Husband to be tempted to bring me back any weird souvenirs.

This year Husband and his father loaded up four Yorkshire gilts (white females), two Yorkshire boars (males, with balls), and one Hampshire barrow (black with a white belt, no balls) for the 10-hour drive to Des Moines, Iowa.

Our pigs travel in deluxe aluminium accommodations. I would mention the trailer brand just to be nice but they don't seem to have much of a Web site, let along a social media program. So I'll just say this: We would have brought our Carhartt Jackets but it was too warm for Carhartt Jackets and we left the Carhartt Jackets at home [I'm not compensated, just fishing for a comment from the nice people at Carhartt who seem to "get" the Internet.]

Anyway, Ryan and Justin were very excited to head out on an adventure with Daddy. Husband is to be commended for taking such a big trip by himself. I just hope he can get a little shuteye while Ryan drives through Illinois.

More World Pork Expo updates and this blog's FIRST EVER photo contributions from Husband, coming soon!

Agriculture in the News

As a public relations professional, I am always following the media in my industry. I also enjoy following agricultural articles, both by reading the farm magazines that come to my house (some day I'll show you the one that mostly features hog butts) and by reading about how agriculture is covered in the mainstream media.

I highly recommend the The Rural Blog as a great source for agriculture articles from around the country.

This week, who could miss the front-page feral hog story in the Dayton Daily News.

Yikes! We live very close to the Germantown MetroPark but have not encountered any wild boar. A feral pig could really cause some trouble on the farm, including jumping in with our prize State Fair gilt and doing the wild thing.

As the lone agricultural person ever known to many of my Friendly Suburban-Dwelling Co-Workers, I often get questions about ag in the news. I usually take the opportunity to answer thoughtfully and educate them on the issues.

Then I go home and find out from the real farmer that I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm going to have to study the pig butt magazine more often.

Just an Ordinary Day

Today was an average Saturday. We got up a little later and headed out to do errands, including haircuts for the boys and stops at the dry cleaner and grocery.

Just an ordinary day in small town America, right. Then we took time as a family to look at pig s&men in the laundry room. [I don't want to be flagged as one of those sites, so excuse my intentional typo.]


Husband had just collected this s&men from the boar and allowed us to take a peek at the little swimmers with our newly fixed microscope, which has been out of commission for years, for lack, we just learned, of a $7 light bulb.

Anyway, the little swimmers were really doing their thing on the slide.


This is not the moon. It is my very low-tech way of trying to show you what we saw through the microscope. The individual swimmers looked like tiny, tiny sticks flipping up and down. The darker areas on the slide were where they were clumped together, not moving as much.

I don't know if Justin could see anything but he said he did. And he didn't ask too many questions about what we were looking at. S&men is not an unfamiliar word at our house. I actually mentioned this to Ryan's teacher at conferences--in case it came up and she thought we had big problems at home.

Our lesson on little swimmers concluded with me telling Ryan about eggs inside the sow. And Husband taking a bottle of the little guys outside to do their job.

Another normal Saturday.

Maternity Ward

Well, we're finally seeing the results of all the hard work husband has been doing since September to inseminate the pigs... Oh, maybe that didn't come out right.

What I mean is that all of the planning and breeding that took place earlier on the farm is starting to pay off with the birth of several litters of pigs.

This litter of 13 piglets is two weeks old. The little gilts (females) and boars (males) keep warm on cold Ohio nights under a heat lamp. You can see on the left that they can exit their little warm spot to nurse with the sow but are protected by the fence from accidental squishing by their mother. Hey, if you weighed 500 pounds and had 13 babies underfoot, you might accidentally step on one or two.

Remember Miss? Well, her golden days as a State Fair beauty may be behind her, but she is getting ready to have her first litter of pigs any day now (early December). We'll keep you updated with pictures when the piglets arrive. (Unless it's too cold. I'm very much a fair weather farmer.)
Like Miss, we have several sows who are ready to farrow (give birth) in the next few weeks. Husband claims this sow is 11 years old. He credits her with raising several of the pigs Ryan showed this summer and says she is the grandmother of many of our other good pigs.

This younger sow is also due in early December.

You wouldn't believe the big spider in the corner of this guy's pen, spinning a web that looked like it had letters in it...

This little guy is actually from the first litter from our new piggy Daddy, Big Splash. He and his siblings were outside enjoying the sunshine, looking forward to this summer at the State Fair.

I've just got to say again, while LOTS of blogs can comment on brand disasters and family life, WHAT other blog can provide such fresh-from-the-farm cuteness?

Special Delivery

Friendly Suburban-Dwelling friends and co-workers frequently ask me, so what's going on at the farm this time of year?

I know they are expecting to hear wonderful autumn-on-the-farm stories about harvesting corn, tapping maple trees, and selecting the perfect pumpkin from our own little patch.

Well, I respond, this time of year, we get a lot of semen in the mail. Seriously, my husband, who normally can't plan more than twenty minutes into the future, knows that now is the time to breed his pigs so they can be born in December, January, and February. This ensures they will be big enough for 4-H kids to buy in April for the county fair in August.

But back to the semen. In the mail. Actually, it usually ships overnight via UPS. Brings a whole new answer to the question What can Brown do for you?

Here's how it works... My husband has a sow (female pig) that is coming in heat, so he opens his boar catalog, selects her perfect mate, picks up the phone and orders two plastic bottles of his swimmers to be shipped overnight.

Yes, just like you have LL Bean and Lands End in your magazine rack, we have Cain's Super Sires and Swine Genetics International. The boars are selected based on their pedigrees and the goals for the litter, i.e. we need purebred pigs to take to the State Fair or this litter should be crossbred to produce pigs for kids to show at the county fair.

The semen arrives in a Styrofoam cooler (not frozen) inside a box. How does it get in the bottle? Look here.

I just want to make an environmental side note here that we DO reuse the Styrofoam coolers. In fact, when I was breastfeeding I would take the pig semen coolers with me on business trips. They worked GREAT to store and ship breast milk too. (Say ewwwww all you want, but I actually did this.)

Once the bottles arrive, my husband takes a long tube especially designed for this purpose, sticks it in the vulva of the pig and then squeezes the contents of the bottle until, if all goes well, the sow is bred.

You can imagine... no, you probably can't... that between talking on the phone almost daily about semen, keeping boxes of newly arrived semen in the kitchen (it's not on the table, at least), and all the breeding that goes on in the barn, our kids have picked up a few things along the way.

Our oldest has already had a bonding moment with his father when they picked out the "piglet daddy" for his new gilt. And our daughter has very innocently inquired about the equipment other men possess for this important task, asking her father while he was breeding a sow with his special plastic rod, does Uncle (his brother) have a breeder?

Swine Lecture Series - Breeds of Hogs

Welcome back to the Internet's one and only Swine Lecture Series. Today we'll cover the basic breeds of hogs.

Every species of animals that includes registered breeds, whether that's dogs, horses, or Big Ten football fans, has non-negotiable breed characteristics. For most animals, breed characteristics include size, coat color and texture, attitude, plus the desire to wear necklaces made out of poisonous nuts and spell the state name during gibberish songs.

For pigs, breed characteristics include color (their hair is clear, so all coloring comes from the skin), color markings (spots, belt, contrast on face and legs) and the direction their ears point (pointy and alert vs. hanging down over the eyes).

The National Swine Registry, the AKC of pigs, oversees the main breeds of hogs, Yorkshire, Hampshire, Duroc and Landrace. But there are other breeds that are less populous and don't feature class sizes of 500; think of them as the Mid-American Conference of pigs.

For example, there are the Berkshires, mostly black pigs with white noses and white "socks" on four legs. The Berkshire breeders have admirably attempted to market their product as the "Angus Beef" of pork.

You don't see them that often, but many state fairs have a show for purebred Tamworth hogs. Tamworth's are known for their pointy snouts and WILD nature. Years ago hogs were mainly raised outside in lots where tough, rangy hogs survived best and the Tamworth's remain a throwback to that era.

Speaking of hogs that are rare or unpopular (depending on who you ask), our farm raises Hereford hogs, in addition to our main herd of State Fair-winning Yorkshires and Hampshires.

Check out this lovely specimen--and a nice looking Hereford too. This barrow (castrated male) hog was raised by us and then sold to the the cute 4-Her next door who won reserve champion at the Ohio State Fair. The champion was also raised by us. In fact, the champion or reserve Hereford at the Ohio State Fair has come from our farm for the last 10 years or so.

Years ago, when we were young and ambitious (foolish?), my husband and I would load up a trailer or two of purebred hogs and stay for about a week at the Ohio State Fair. The year our son was born, I was still on maternity leave during the fair, so we thought it would be fun to show LOTS of pigs. So we loaded up our Yorkshires, Hampshires and Herefords, plus our eight-week-old baby and headed to Columbus. We did pretty well, winning champions with all three breeds.

We had a lot of help from our family showing most of the hogs, but when it came time to show our Herefords that year, everyone had left, leaving us with no one to watch our baby while we showed. Luckily the kind women who worked in the swine barn office were more than willing to hold our little guy.

Which brings me to the final point about purebred hogs. The best aspect to being part of the purebred hog community (everyone has a "community" these days) is the people. People like us who keep coolers of pig semen in their kitchen, people who fill their magazine racks with boar catalogs, people who know more about the genealogy of their herd than the names of their cousins, people known for their hard work and integrity--they make up a rare breed, indeed.

Swine Lecture Series - Auctions

Welcome back students. I hope you enjoyed your summer off, but now it is time to get back to our Swine Lecture Series.

When a farmer needs a new pig or wants to expand his herd, the best way to buy is at an auction.
Many hog shows like the Summer Type Conference auction off the exhibited pigs--using the results to determine sale order.

Some farms also host their own pig auctions at the farm to sell boars (males) and gilts (females) to other farmers who want to use them as breeding stock. Here are some pigs ready for a farm auction.

OK, so they're not too excited yet. But in a few hours, they will be heading off to a new farm (we hope) to fulfill their happy pig lives as the mothers and fathers of the next generation of purebred hogs. You may recall that the black and white ones are Hampshires, the all-white ones, Yorkshires.


Now let's review the key elements to a successful pig auction on the farm. Like any event, you need to market the date/time/location with advertising, Web site, and a database of customers for direct mail.

A good auctioneer is critical. Our auctioneer, Dan, has been coming to our farm every fall for 40+ years. Right after this photo was snapped Dan said: wasthatlightening?wasthatlightening?doIneed toswitchswitchswichtobattery?battery?didsomeonesaybattery?

Nothatwasjustmyflash, I responded.


Food is an important part of any successful event. Here, my garage doubles as a 4-H lunch stand. Don't tell the health department. A really classy event includes childcare. Great-Grandma and a swing set will do.


In summary, hosting a pig auction is a lot like any other event a business may put on. You need lighting, sound, stage/podium, marketing, direct mail, parking, childcare, food, and staff. You also need a guy who can talk fast, and guests of honor who intend to poop all over the place.

Life Under the Big Top

To say things are crazy here would be akin to making a vast understatement similar in proportion to saying that pig poo doesn't really smell.

In other words: Our lives this month, like every August, are out of control. A real circus.

See... we even have the tent to prove it.



Yes, that is a county fair-quality tent right behind our house.

Why do we need a tent, you ask? To hold our annual pig auction, of course.
Huh? We are holding what's called a "production sale," selling boars (males) and gilts (females) to other farmers who want to raise pigs.


In addition to hosting a pig sale in the barnyard this week, over the course of the month we made two trips to the Ohio State Fair to show hogs, one trip to the Indiana State Fair, took one kid to flag football, two more to swimming lessons, hosted crafts at Bible school, and won a church softball tournament (husband only).

After the pig sale we will spend a week at the county fair with our six pigs, four dairy calves, scarecrow, decorated cupcakes, and photo entries. Oh, and then we head to my sister's out of town wedding.

I think we may need a bigger tent to hold this circus.

A Moment Not to Miss

There are many moments in parenthood when you wonder what you have gotten yourself into. When your baby projectile vomits in the car. When your toddler dips his hand in his diaper and smears poop on his nose in the middle of JC Penney. When you finally break down and start channeling your mother: Do I have to Stop. This. Car?!

But thankfully there are other moments. Moments that you can't even blog about without getting all emotional. Moments that remind you why it was a good idea to reproduce, after all.

Of course, I'm talking about the day that your little baby boy becomes a man. The day he buys his first pig at auction.

Our Ryan began shopping for a Hampshire gilt (black and white, female pig) as soon as he arrived at the Ohio State Fair. By the time of the auction he had investigated every pig in the barn, cross-referencing against the sale list. A feat made all the more challenging by his kindergarten-level of reading and writing.

He picked out a lovely gilt from Iowa named Miss. And when the auction started he stood with his GrandDad... seriously, I'm blowing my nose now... raised his little arm and signaled to the auctioneer. With his GrandDad at his side (occasionally reminding him to lower his arm), his father looking on proudly, and his Grandmother sobbing with joy, he bought his first pig.

Meet Miss and her proud new farmer:



Miss is home on the farm now. She hasn't stopped helping make memorable family moments. My husband and Ryan got to pick out the boar who will be her "piglet Daddy" and then artificially breed her--just another touching father-son bonding moment on the farm.

Answer: Pig Gel

The wait is over! I have the answer to our online quiz: What in the World is that Farm Thing?

The white blob of material at the top of the semen collection cup is pig gel. The gel is manufactured by boars as a stopper to keep the other fluids from exiting the sow after breeding.

And if you think THAT is the nastiest thing my husband has touched--then you don't know anything about farming.

What in the World is That Farm Thing?

Welcome back, everyone to America's favorite online game What in the World is That Farm Thing?

Today's mystery item is pictured below, it is small enough to hold with my hand, yet icky enough that I don't really want to touch it. It contains genetic information on our new boar but it can't really be read.

Here is a BIG HINT:

If you think you know what this is and dare speak of it in a public forum, then leave your guess in the comment section. One lucky winner will get to shake my husband's hand.

Making a Big Splash on the Farm

Last week we traveled to the Kentucky State Fairgrounds in Louisville (or Lou-uh-vull as my seven-year-old son keeps correcting me) for the Summer Type Conference.

Type of what? You ask. Well, type of pigs, of course.

And we met this little guy. Isn't he cute? (Not Ryan, I'm talking about the pig!) His name is Big Splash and he comes from a farm in South Dakota. We bought him at the auction, loaded him on the trailer, and brought him back to Farmersville.
Being the new pig on the farm is kind of like being the new kid at school. Everyone is wary of you at first--even the adults, who keep you separated from all the rest for a while. Then slowly you gain acceptance until before you know it you're fathering all of next year's State Fair offering. Oh, I guess the analogy should end now. Anyway, please join me in welcoming Big Splash, a purebred Yorkshire boar, to our farm. He is going to love it here this winter.